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03 January 2014 @ 10:05 pm
"And I'd know what to do if I just knew what's coming."  
And following up on previous post in re: brain deciding to devour itself, I wonder sometimes why things work out the way they do. Why is it that the only time being in the house for a day is not fun is when you can't go out because of a snow storm? When if there were no snow, it would be a treat to get to spend the day cozily inside? Why do we need to want the things we can't have so badly and never appreciate the things we do? Why can't I stop thinking for just a minute? Why can I write a million words but not the 500 I need to be writing more than anything? Why why why? And while we're at it, where has my energy gone and can I have it back please? Meanwhile, I really need to breathe because the panic of an open weekend is starting to creep into my bones and settle there and I can feel my skin crawling with the thought of it and the inevitable follow up thoughts about the future and its vastness and my lack of insight into it and my fear about things staying the same and also my fear about things changing too much.

Thinking about a lyric for this entry's title made me think back to "Deep Inside of You" and how long it's been since I've listened to 3EB. I used to love this song in such a profound way, a way that wasn't at all based on its technical merits but entirely on the feelings it invoked in me. Not that that's unusual for songs, music is 90% the way it makes you feel, I have barely learned any technical elements of songwriting at all in all my years of fandom. Maybe it's because I was 13 (or younger maybe) or because the song always connected to a book for me, leading to even deeper emotional connections, but in any case, there's something special about "Deep Inside of You". When I look at the song from a detached perspective today I see how it could be a cheesy song about getting laid. I fully see the exploitative wounded heart boy side of things. But I also understand the song even better now. That bridge rings even truer to me now than it ever did. The whole young adult hook up phase is fucked up and miserable and maybe works for some people, but I can't make it out. It seems like it's just a parade of insecurities and power plays. Everyone trying to prove they care less than everyone else and the person who cares the most always getting hurt. And I didn't really expect to ever find depth in Third Eye Blind songs, they're not who I'd turn to for advice, although I'll always always love them. But it's strange to comb over a song about which I thought I had long ago locked in my feelings and find that maybe I've grown up since I was 13. I know I never thought I would. And sometimes I still don't think I have. After all, what's demonstrably different? But this little unintentional experiment, along with sometimes reflecting on my progress at my job, or looking at people who remind me of younger me, reminds me that I may have changed. I can only hope it's for the better, because I surely do not know.
Current Music: "Deep Inside of You" - Third Eye Blind